So we are a year into this ‘trying for a baby’ journey and I find myself needing a space to document what we are going through and have an outlet for my emotions.
Many times my incessant googling has lead me to fertility blogs of others, which has helped me to feel less alone. So, if this helps just one person out there, then cheers to that.
We have been blessed in our life together so far. We found each other young, set up home and had a wonderful wedding with expectations of a family following close behind. Our wedding day was filled with the usual ‘it won’t be long before there’s a baby Wilson running around‘ comments and at the time I smiled foolishly truly believing there would be.
Now, we have been married for 20 months and we are still not pregnant. We have technically only been ‘trying’ for a year but what a year it has been.
I have had a countless number of blood tests, ultrasounds, nights in A&E, laparoscopy surgery and now I find myself with diagnosed PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) and Endometriosis. Both conditions affect fertility quite significantly. Shit. This is not how it was supposed to be. And I am having a hard time adjusting to that.
Couple that with the fact my husband has just had his sperm analysis results back and he is ‘borderline’. It is safe to say emotionally we feel like we are being beaten with a stick.
We live in the UK and the rules for fertility funding on the NHS state that you need to be ‘trying’ for two years before you can be referred for help. So, we are now under the care of a private fertility doctor who has prescribed me Clomid to try and induce ovulation. He told me in no uncertain terms that my chance of falling pregnant without drugs was 0%. Naturally my androgen level is so high my lady hormones don’t stand a chance on their own.
My first month on Clomid (50mg) was an epic fail. Cruelly I felt all sorts of ovulation pain which lead me to believe I may have ovulated for the first time in god knows how long. However a call from the Dr with negative news and that sinking feeling was back. My progesterone level was 0. My body hadn’t reacted at all.
Luckily the week after the failed round of Clomid we had a holiday booked to Italy for some much needed time out together. Actually, it was lovely to not be looking at the calender and counting days as it meant we could relax and enjoy ourselves properly, without timing ‘BD’ing’ (baby-dancing) appropriately. Travel is definitely my therapy in all of this. It gives us something to look forward to and it feels like we are ‘making the most’ of not having children.
So, the day after we got home from Italy I started the 100mg Clomid. I am having a lot of pains again which would indicate something is going on. But I had the pains last month and didn’t get a positive ovulation so there is just no way to guess. Blood test is schedule for 19/12 so another couple of weeks to wait.
My husband has an appointment with the GP on 12/12 to discuss his sperm analysis results in more detail. He hasn’t taken the news well at all. There is only so much positivity you can muster up before you begin to feel defeated.
So we are doing what we do best and booking a long weekend to Barcelona in March.